Serious Case of the Imposter Syndrome Blues
<binary> I have failed my programming class twice, so third time’s a charm, eh?
I didn’t fail due to not comprehending the material, i just never showed up for class.
Initially, I would show up for class bright eyed and bushy tailed for the first couple of weeks, then something happened where I just wouldn’t go. Not couldn’t, i just wouldn’t go. Second time around, i couldn’t go due to getting financially cleared on time, school’s policy. I sent an email, never got a response then when i did show up, i was welcomed with straight icky and preposterous rudeness. In fact, the programming teacher from the previous semester was having a full blown drag fest about me with the professor I was supposed to have class with literally minutes before my meeting with her. Yes, they were both women: one asian and the other old and black. They didn’t know I had heard the entire conversation and the awful way they spoke about me while amongst the interim dean of the CS department. I let it go, because…i honestly don’t know what I could have said or if it were worth saying. After our meeting, i thought we were on understanding terms. I was wrong again. The next few classes became a drag and i began hating the program and writing code…on pencil and paper. I constantly fed myself on what was currently going on in the industry i so desperately thought i wanted to be in but as i gazed at the hills of hotel California, i lost my steam. I didn’t want to or have the desire to do anything about it.
Fast forward, i unintentionally took the semester off and continued to immerse myself in what i thought i wanted. Technologic dreams securing the bag so that i could live lavishly; i’d be the whole package: beauty and brains, for real. Now, i’m 2 months deep and only 3 classes marked in attendance and i’m losing my mind. I don’t know where my desire has gone, i don’t know where my desire has been, and i’m afraid my desire won’t come. I honest to God feel like i’m afraid to code. Like I lock up and become shook before i make my way to a text editor and do what needs to be done. I let intimidation and vulgar woods get the best of me and opt out to be a coward and just run. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve started awfully but manage to finish strong. My strong suit has always been the other way around. I’ve lost my way and don’t know how to be found or find the way. I don’t feel strong enough and that bothers me to my core. I feel like i have no options and no help to call on. I truly feel now more than ever like a rue imposter. I don’t want to be in hiding any more. In hiding of pain, talent, fear, worry, and heartbreak no longer. I don’t want to afraid and i don’t want to starve from this hunger and lack of desire. I don’t know what cards i need to play or what is even been dealt. What can i do? </beauty>