<binary> Last night, I tried to turn my phone on airplane mode and be in a “do not disturb” mode. The following morning, I found 0 changes in the already dry state my phone was in. I failed miserably because I remembered that no one texts me. I was expecting a cutesy text but got no response in return. Boy, did I feel humbled. Yes, I suck at texting people back, but I’m typically the one who initiates the online conversation. Also, I prefer in-person actions of attention and care over seemingly meaningless emojis and texts. But I’ve gotten to a point where I feel my reaching out has become oversaturated. Washed out in a sense. The once exciting feeling of getting a random phone call, a warm welcome on the receiving end, getting a text and a cute response has subtly died and I’m late to the party. Recent events have lead me to then realize that I hate missing people. Actually, that’s nothing new at all.
However, I’ve discovered the sequel to my long told saga, and that’s although I hate missing people, I long for the feeling to be missed. Often times, when distance plays a part in my life (too many times to count), I’ve come up empty in the other party longing to hear my voice or take the first chance they can get to come to see me when the opportunity presents itself. It’s usually me doing all the missing and planning. I’m too familiar in that sad old song. But I’ve realized that I’m ready to make the decision and physically put myself in that position. It’s healthy, sometimes necessary, and can open new depths in any friendship. Am I scared that I’ll fall short? I was, but I’m certain that it’ll transpire. I’ve grown to also learn that I value open communication and those around me to practice it. I’ve grown comfortable in my safe spaces to be able to let what’s on my heart out with no judgement; to speak freely is an element of self-care and liberating for me.
I also have an adoration for hand-written letters, it soothes and calms me. How is it that sometimes I can better articulate myself through written words than aloud. It’s an intimacy is only valued by few, and usually only done by me.
So in the next few weeks, I will be taking a new leap in my life and it’ll also be good practice before I may have to live with the beginning of a new season: my best friend may actually be leaving Charlotte to live elsewhere. Now that, I’m scared of. But my initiation in this pre-living-without-my-bestfriend season is exactly what i need to grow on my own, mentally prepare myself, and be partially prepared to deal with it when it comes. I’ve learned that you’re not officially my bestfriend if we don’t have a long distance friendship at least once. SO with that being said, although I do a lot of missing, I’m open and ready to feel the comfort of being being missed as well. </beauty>